The Implant can suck my non-existent dick

Hello dears,

So last Friday I had a needle shoved in my arm by some woman… I lost feeling in my arm, nearly passed out… all that good stuff…

Of course I am talking about getting the implant, not injecting myself with drugs!!! Although in all honesty, I feel heroin makes you feel great… Whilst having hormones shoved inside you does not. Although they both have the same affect of generally fucking up your body really….

Excuse the undertones, I am hormonal, bleeding lots and angry about contraception.

It all started when I woke up one day and thought “fuck taking the pill”, it’s such a hindrance. I needed something more reliable than my shitty memory. A friend of mine had had the implant and raved about it for the full 3 years, painting fairytales of ‘no periods’ and ‘it didn’t even hurt’… Well this sounded bloody marvellous, thus the idea of getting the implant was born.

Being the impulsive person that I am, I decided on that day to book an appointment, and 2 weeks later I was having the lovely tube thing shoved in my arm. Life was sweet… or was it?

The trouble with taking hormones is, of course, the fact that it’s hormones… so at the age of 22, I feel as if I have reverted back to age 14, all I wanna do is fight with my mum and cry about boys… But that’s just not me anymore: I’ve come to realise in recent years that my mum is actually quite nice.

In addition to this, I want to look my best for my upcoming graduation, but I have read no less than 10 horror stories on the web, about girls going through extreme weight gain from the implant. So that’s fantastic.

We all know that if it were men who were expected to inject hormones into their bodies, these issues would be something of the past… The man has a small jab in the side which stops the flow of sperm immediately and works for 5 years. You know the kind of thing.

But no, us women are the ones having to take the bloody contraception while the men in our lives ask “why are you always so moody?” or tell his mates, “she’s psycho” or even “you ate the whole pack of bourbons?! ” (the last one isn’t even insulting).

Of course I am less than a week into having this lovely implant, and the doctors do say that things should even themselves out, but for the time being, I am going to go text my ex, and shout at my mum for pausing love island yet again.

 

Please let me know if anyone else faces similar issues from contraception! It’s honestly exhausting stuff.

And thank you loooots for reading this rambly rant.

xoxoxoxo

 

(and here’s part 2 written 3 months down the line!)