I am not the same person I was when I was 9. That is obvious. I’ve changed in many ways and will continue to change until the day I die. Because that’s what humans do. So when I read my old diaries back, it seems like a different person. Sure, I still wear the same denim skirt I’ve had since I was 14, but I’m no longer an angry little bitch so I think I’ve ‘glowed up’ positively.
One way I haven’t changed much is that I’ve been a writer since I popped out the womb.
That’s kind of a lie but I have loved writing, especially about myself and my experiences, for a pretty long time, and although my writing abilities (and handwriting) have improved vastly, the love of writing (especially about myself) has not changed. Although nowadays I share my secrets with the world via blog posts, instead of hiding them away in diaries.
So I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while; looking at my old diary entries and analysing the weird behaviour of my childhood self. As I read them back, I actually laughed a lot at some of the funny and/or ridiculous things I’ve said and done over the years. My diaries tell a story of growing up, and becoming the human I am today. As it turns out, many of the entries tell a universal story of growing up, and depict many of the problems faced as a girl in the 2000s – 2010s.
So I hope you enjoy reading these and don’t think too badly of me afterwards…
1.
There’s a lot to unpick here so I’m going to gloss over the “nighty nighty don’t let the bed bugs bighty” at the beginning… In this diary entry, I seem to be stressing about Valentines Day, whilst also avoiding writing about my true feelings, instead repeatedly saying “oh poo” and ‘yeah yeah yeah”. This is basically the Jake Peralta “cool cool cool cool cool” before it was *cool*. I remember being super worried writing my true feelings in the diary in case my mum read it, so this weird form of writing was a kind of code.
I should mention that the Valentines Day card I did receive was obviously from my parents, but I was trying to impress my diary by not adding that bit.
The end of this diary entry, “finished my homework and watched 2 episodes of Lizzie McGuire” is also extremely relatable.
2.
I made a friend when I was 12 who circled the dots on her ‘i’s. It’s an annoying habit I picked up, and kept up for at least 2 years.
This diary entry is the most 2009 piece of writing ever. =P
3.
Here I write ‘rock + roll’ in my Tracey beaker notebook aged 12. I thought that liking a Red Hot Chilli Peppers song made me edgy. it did not. And the bubble writing and heart doodles do not help.
4.
Christ alive that handwriting… not great considering I would have been 11 or 12 here. This diary entry very much encapsulates being an angsty tween, and blaming everyone but myself for getting grounded (it was obviously my friend’s fault I stayed out later than I was allowed). Nowadays I can admit when I’m in the wrong… sometimes.
On the next page I write “I hate her. Jokes.” Classic Amber Middleton banter.
One final point, did I really spell ‘these’ with a Z?
5.
First of all, ‘a Mac laptop’? It’s called a MacBook girl, get with the times.
Secondly, this is a very raw moment of a teenage girl feeling completely self-conscious in herself. I’m sure most girls will be able to relate to those feelings of awkwardness growing up; feeling the need to look a certain way, even in a bloody swimming pool. These feelings are so strong that my young self is devastated by the fact I can’t wear make up, and even feel self-conscious wearing a swimming costume in front of my best friend.
It’s actually really sad, and very reflective of the society women are raised in. We are brought up feeling unworthy and trying to hide our bodies away because we don’t look like supermodels. Aged frickin 14.
In the words of a younger me ‘big strop =[‘
6.
Here I refer to steering my grandparents’ boat down the canal. In a page of writing, I’ve referred to a bridge with a graffiti penis on, a bird taking a shit and some damsel flies ‘making love’. The dirty minds of a young teen will forever disgust me.
For context, Freddie is my cat, not some maniac I know who goes around killing birds.
7.
Oh joy, the circle dotted ‘i’s are back.
Here I am discussing 2 of my horrible teachers, one of whom is ‘evil’ for giving me a detention. You will see that I’m laughing at the other teacher’s misfortune who cried in front of her class. I was an incredibly unsympathetic child who once shouted at my mum for crying. Not a nice trait, and very different to my current self.
Anyone else able to relate to being a huge bitch as a teen?
8.
Around 2 weeks into uni and I’ve already missed lots of lectures and mentioned there’s been ‘lots of work’. Little did I know of what was to come over the next 3 years…
Please enjoy me admitting to being a right slag as well. Which is fine because it’s my diary. My excuse for sharing it on the internet now is that it was 5 years ago and now I’m all old and mature now.
And yes I still kept a diary aged 19, I just have a lot of feelings.
9.
Girl please, have you not heard of feminism? Or girl power? Even ‘smelly old women’ deserve love. Empowered women empower women and all that?! This diary entry shows that I was a right judgemental bitch, and did not understand the concept of loving someone for more than their scent.
There were honestly worse, meaner diary entries but I didn’t want to receive too much hate for being a complete cow.
10.
“coldisack”. That is all. Actually nothing much has changed here, as it just took me around 10 attempts, autocorrect, and a final check on Google to work out how to spell ‘cul-de-sac’ correctly.
I hope this blog post provides you with some joy, or is somewhat relatable in places! I’m sorry if you knew me between the ages of 7 – 19, I am a significantly less awful person now, I swear. But then again, I think we all were.
Thanks for reading! Let me know in the comments if you ever kept a diary over the years…
Amber's Diary 