An Ode to WAP

Pre warning: explicit content up ahead, mum please don’t read this post.

So recently I got my second period in 3 weeks with the most atrocious stomach pains known to (wo)man because my implant is bloody awful (please read here and here for more info on that). It caused the floodgates on my inner Germaine Greer to open (Germaine Greer but less problematic that is).

My feminist rant to a certain male ‘friend’ began at 4am that Saturday night (well Sunday morning if you wanna be that person), and didn’t stop for a good hour. It was a rant that had been building up for a while, GAGGING to emerge and scream out to the world about how shit it is to be a woman.

How much of a fucking joke is it that women have to pump themselves full of hormones, some of which increase your risk of CANCER, to have blood gush out of you unexpectedly; and have the worst cramps that stop you from sleeping. All for men to label you as hormonal, or clingy, or hysterical. And we go through all of this is so men can put their dirty dicks inside us without a fucking condom.

Of course this is a very reduced version of why women actually get the implant… I got mine because I do in fact enjoy sex as much as the next Tom, Dick and Harry (again, sorry mum if you’re reading this, but I did warn you).

And men really don’t give a shit about women. They act like they ‘like’ women but then treat us like shit, fuck us around, see us as sex objects, lesser people than our male counterparts. They don’t have a clue about FGM or sexist treatment in the workplace, or the threat of rape when walking home at night. It’s fucking unfair.

“I mean… I don’t mind using condoms” the ‘friend’ replied. He didn’t get it.

A little while later I asked him if he wanted me to recite ‘WAP’ from start to finish. He said no, and claimed it was a ‘dreadful’ song. I mean didn’t see him complaining about getting ‘gobbled’, in the words of Megan Thee Stallion, but anyway…

This moment made me realise that all the men I know really don’t like WAP. And it really made me think. Is it that it’s all about female pleasure for once? The fact it’s a song writtenby women for women? Or was it just too dirty? Well I doubt it’s the latter, as I don’t remember any guys complaining about Nelly’s ‘The Fix’, for example, in which the album cover features a naked women inserting a penis into her, and includes the lyrics, “Soaking wet, turn the bed to a slip n slide”.

Just to be clear, I’m not against that song, I think it’s also a corker, but when it’s the girls talking about how much they love getting fucked, that is when men get offended. It’s like they consider it emasculating that a song could be written about women enjoying themselves during sex, rather than being a sex slave. Well grow up huns, us women like the hanky panky too.

(Disclaimer: I should mention that obviously not all men are awful sexist people, I know at least 3 nice ones, and only 2 of them are family members).

this is the content i’m here for pic.twitter.com/svV6xX5GHP

— joe (@jxeker) September 3, 2020

But WAP is not only a feminist anthem, it is dirty, really funny, and so bloody catchy. So, despite the fact it came out months ago and people have been rabbiting on about it since then, I still just had to add my two pence. Especially since my aggressively feminist flood gates remain fully open to gush out a rant at any given point.

You will already be aware of my obsession with the song if you know me in real life, or follow me on Twitter… Or have passed by me in the street in the past 2 months.

I’ve had it stuck in my head ever since I first listened to it, even when (*especially when) I don’t want it there; when I’m calling old people for work; when I’m in the frozen aisle; even when I’m having sex… It’s a horny song, what can I say?!

(Mum if you’re still reading this, please, please stop)

GOD I STILL CANT STOP LISTENING TO WAP

— Amber Mistletoe-n 😌 (@ambermiddletonn) September 2, 2020

Notable Lyrics

• “Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes”: this song has also taught me a few things about sex, because clearly I’m out of the loop. Now I don’t want to sound like a prude but no one has ever spat in my mouth sexually or otherwise. And after some research (asking my friends), I’ve discovered that it is actually a thing that people enjoy. Well, who knew.

• “Macaroni in a pot, that’s a wet ass pussy”: I didn’t understand the line but loved it anyway. I then googled it, and I now have a better understanding of the noise comparison between macaroni cheese and… wet vaginas. I still like the lyric tbh.

• “If he fuck me and ask ‘Whose is it?’, when I ride the dick, I’ma spell my name”: It’s still her wet ass pussy, so don’t try and label it as yours *generic man*. I fucking love Megan Thee Stallion, I think she’s so cool and is constantly out there supporting women; whether it’s bigging up women’s sexual pleasure, or telling the audience “we need to protect our black women, and love our black women” mid way through her SNL performance last weekend. Also she’s currently studying for her degree despite her huge success, and is only twenty bloody five?! Hope I’m at her level when I turn 25 (in a few months time…).

• “I don’t wanna spit, I wanna gulp, I wanna gag, I wanna choke, I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat”: there’s no part of this line that doesn’t have me creasing. It’s so explicit, and actually kinda gross thinking about gulping semen, but it sums up the entire song perfectly with its equal parts erotica, hilarity and catchiness.

J’adore this banger, and that’s all I have to say on the matter.

Thanks for reading! Please let me know if WAP turns you on too, or if you think it’s too filthy for its own good.

Love you & see ya next week.

P.s., I may be proud of enjoying the hanky panky, but won’t be sharing this one on LinkedIn.